Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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