im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
im holly from the hills drunk
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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