At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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