As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
