new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
