I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
