have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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