She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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