All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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