The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'm so fucking centered right now
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
