At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
