i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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