I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
