Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
