When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
