She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
