So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
