Your face is a jimmy john
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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