in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
