NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
