The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize