Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
