I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize