i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
