someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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