k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
