im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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