I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
