Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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