i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
