Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
