Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
