No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
