tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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