Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
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