that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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