Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize