i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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