Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
