I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
My sheets look like a crime scene.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
