Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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