I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
