I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
