Cold hands, warm shart.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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