We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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