My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
