Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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