it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize
