Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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