I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
