Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Randomize
