What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize