i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
You may now shotgun with the bride
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
