Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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