So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize