Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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