Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
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