Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
