Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
You are a genius and a whore.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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