i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize