I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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