I haven't been this sober since birth.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
