The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize