I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
