I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
